Sunday, January 15, 2012

From The Chains Of My Brokenness


So who am I and why should you follow my journey? Truth is I lost myself long ago and I am trying to find me. I lost myself by falling in love with and marrying the wrong man, a man that made me second guess my own worth and abused me mentally and physically for years.
Sometimes I have to sing the song by Pink in the kitchen at the top of my lungs hoping the neighbors aren’t watching,  “I lost my husband, I don’t know where he went.” It makes me laugh now. I really don’t know where he is. He left me and my children abandoned with no financial support years ago. He pops up in the area from time to time making promises he never keeps and is off again, only to rekindle the wounds. I had been brainwashed into the feeling I was worthless and inadequate and I couldn’t survive on my own.
But somehow I have. I can’t say the journey has been easy. Many nights we didn’t know if we would be homeless. Many cold winters we suffered without electricity and many days we didn’t have food to eat but somehow, although the loom of possible homelessness was never far from the horizon, we have survived and I appreciate the little things in life. Like the moon last night did you see it? Breath taking? Even if I had been homeless I would have still been able to receive that gift.
This will be my journey from imprisonment to freedom. I shall reveal my voyage away from the shackles of an oppressive and abusive relationship to my innate struggle for survival perhaps in flashbacks sometimes.  I will expose my flight, from the chains of my brokenness and the captivity of my own inhibitions to not giving a crap what others think of me and just “doing it!”.  I chose to find myself this year! I chose to live! Join me as I scribble my conquest for all to see from barely surviving to the empowerment of triumph. At least I can hope that will be the outcome, I am sure there will be a few bumps along the way.
But this blog will be about someone who was broken, picking up the pieces. And although I have some pieces missing, I will duct tape “me” together and just go out there and start a new chapter in my life anyway! So who am I? I am an aspiring novelist, singer, artist, mom, world traveler, teacher, dancer, pilot and happy person. Oh yea, and aspiring fitness goddess. (Okay so that one is a really really long shot but we can have dreams right J) Most of these things are things I let die along the way that I am hoping to rediscover in myself.
I have decided if the world is ganna end this year I better get off my tush and start makin’ things happen! So much of life is stolen because of waiting for the perfect day, the perfect time… when I lose weight, when I am more prepared. The truth is there is no day like today! 
I can’t tell you how many things I have just not done because I didn’t feel I was ready, I was worthy etc. but I am tired of waiting on the sidelines for the stars to align I think I am just going to jump in feet first and hope my flailing to stay afloat provides some entertainment for someone!
Here goes!